Zero Day Releasing: Piracy Solved

There’s no denying it, January 2012 has so far marked the darkest time in the Internet’s history.  For the first time we have seen a huge gathering of virtual Strikes with the internet’s biggest and brightest organisations.  Wikipedia, Google, WordPress, Firefox and ‘the best page in the universe’, to name a few, have all gone dark in protest for the sake of our cyber liberty.  The SOPA (Jan 18th) and PIPA bill (Jan 24th) stand as worrying examples of how NOT to combat online piracy and stand out to the world as red and white striped sledgehammers.  The Star Spangled Battering Ram, normally in the same set, it seems was borrowed by the U.S. Feds this week who took it abroad to Megaupload.  Surely there’s a more inspiring way to stop piracy?

Well this thought led me to think about a world where piracy no longer exists and capitalism finds it harder to affect government. This ‘piracy free utopia’ has some strange quirky business models that make the whole world a better place and no one goes around DDOS-ing the ‘well respected and loved’ RIAA and MPAA.  Lets describe it:

Zero Day Content and how it saved the world:

In this alternate or future reality which will henceforth be known as ‘ZDC World’ (shit name, I know) , the Entertainment Industry has bounced back from the piracy days of the past with full gusto.  The world’s full population now unites together on special days called ‘Release Days’ with their mouths watering for the latest masterpieces of entertainment. Films, Music, Video Games.. its always the same format and everyone is in the same boat… we’ve all seen the trailers and cant wait.  The countdown websites are getting down to double digits, and everyone has gone to their choice locations – the bold have gone to the Cinema, The many have gone to their computer screens, The families have gone to their T.V’s.  The Synchronized world awaits for the glorious 1024 bytes of an encryption key that will lift the palpable anxiety that only the MPAA and a few others can provide.

The countdown hits zero and a simple broadcasted packet spreads over the globe in all the chain reaction glory that only internet can provide. We all smile as the certainty of a node based network does its job once more, as intended, as designed. We tuck down to watch the movie and it doesn’t disappoint. Afterwards we all reflect that £4.95 was well worth every penny and way worth paying for 2 months in advance of this day.

Meanwhile, in the sunny state of California an award ceremony is taking place.  The bid winner of the Diamond ‘Master Copy’ graciously claims what is rightfully his; the only non encrypted copy of the currently playing feature length movie to exist on the Planet. A one of a kind diamond ordained holographic Blue Ray disc which he will keep under lock and key and hope that one day it becomes his Mona Lisa. After all he has paid an arm and a leg for it.  The world can now compare content in this form to the art of the old world, its almost as if the MPAA have helped to produce a one of a kind, like a Rembrandt. Ironically that’s who the film is about.

And what of the pirates? where are they?  Well I’m afraid 250Gigs of decrypting and transcoding takes a few hours, even if you have the encryption key. Those poor kids are going to have to wait at least 5 hours to watch the movie and by that time they are already un cool, especially when watching the original costs as little as a Happy Meal.   Sure, there’s a niche cult of pirates that ‘race’ to be the first to copy the Zero-Days but there are confirmed reports that most of these individuals pay for the movie anyway.

Day two, three, four …  The movie is in the public domain, in the true sense of the word.. Re-sale value is minuscule to worthless… its a great thing that the Entertainment industry no longer focuses on re-selling their content again and again to the same people in different formats.. They have given their movie to us now, its ours, in our memories and on our format of choice, forever… thank you MPAA, we love you and I think i’ll go check out your website…

…A man sits at his computer: ‘Ooh what have we here!  They are building funds for a sequel! Sure i’ll order mine now’ *clicks Buy-Now button*… ‘Wow I think that’s a new record.. funding quota met in under 4 hours… thanks WORLD for making that movie a reality….  I wonder what would happen if no-one paid up front? oh wait.. I know.. its why we don’t have Tron 3′.

———- end of line.

Maybe this is all too unfathomable.. but the moral behind the story and recent events is clear. In the words of Wil Wheton, ‘Don’t be a dick’:MPAA.  Don’t try so hard to grab every penny and maybe the world wont have the incentive to pirate your shit. Combat the essence of copy-‘RIGHT’s and use the foolproof power of the market system to supply fairly to the everlasting entertainment demand.  If 25% of all the bits in the internet are pirated then you’re doing it wrong or your shit costs too much. There’s a point where ALL of us will value the gorgeous HD content and shineyness of a BD over some lame ass overcompressed 320 x 200 AVI file of your movie EVEN IF ITS FREE! Dumbasses.

Quit your screwing around with our internet liberties and start making a workable business model #yourdoingitwrong